Sunday, September 27, 2015

Hey, I like you--let's play/fuck/love

I have written about wanting to be a sex-positive female, and about how I need to speak up when I need sexual release, but I realized recently that I also need to get better about speaking up in general—at least when it comes to my attraction to other people. I am as prone to insecurities as the next wench, and sometimes those insecurities keep me quiet. This became painfully evident in the last couple of years with two very different men.

In the first situation it wasn’t a fear of rejection—it was more a fear of fucking up the existing relationship and making it awkward. This man is a dear friend of mine, and though I have lusted after him, and loved him, almost from the time we met, I was never brave enough to tell him so—at least not seriously. I joked with him, dropped hints, told him I had a crush—but never just said “hey, I like you, I am attracted to you—let’s see where that goes.”

Okay, and, if I am honest, it wasn’t just wanting to keep the energy status quo—there was more than a bit of just not thinking that he would return my interest.

So fast forward a few years and I found out that he is attracted to me too—only now he is dating someone, and she is great, and, unlike me, they aren’t poly. I would love to hate her, and wish for their demise—but the reality is that I love him, on a very deep level that has nothing to do with whether or not we ever fuck, and I want him happy. If she makes him happy, then I hope it lasts for a very long time.

The other situation involved a crush I had on someone for a good year or so—again from the time I met him--but though I flirted with him casually, I was too shy to take it further.

In my defense, I started a new relationship during that time, so my focus was elsewhere. Thankfully, when my relationship ended and I did get the nerve to throw a pretty heavy flirt out to this man he caught it and threw it back—which gave me the courage to escalate things a bit. One thing led to another, and we ended up spending some very nice time together—time that could have happened a bit sooner if I had just, once again, said “hey, I like you, I am attracted to you—let’s see where that goes.”

So—what is the lesson? To not be afraid to just put myself out there—to put myself on the line a bit, and basically to have more faith in myself and my total awesomeness.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

On sex positivity in public play

Sex without pain is like food without taste~DeSade
Pain without sex just fucking hurts~LiteraryWench

Okay—there doesn’t have to be sex, but there does have to be sexual stimulation (either physical or mental) for me to indulge my masochism.

I have been doing what it is that we do for a very long time, and I happily admit that a large part of why I do it is that it gets me off. I have been to dungeons in several states and have belonged to quite a few groups—most of which had either a no penetration rule or just frowned on anyone doing anything sexual in a play space. There is this overarching theme that sex is somehow bad and that our sexuality is something of which we should be ashamed.

Fuck that—I like sex.

My masochism is most definitely tied to my sexuality—and the more you get me off, the more pain you can subject me to (this is what we refer to as a win-win). I can also get off from the pain itself, so the reality is that if I am enjoying the scene, I will most likely orgasm (especially if you use a cane—just sayin’).

I have heard many people over the years talk about how BDSM is pure if sex is not involved, and that those who engage in pain play without sexual stimulation are somehow more kinkily evolved. Sadomasochism is wonderful, and power-exchange is fantastic, but they are also very specific to the individuals involved. The person who likes pain without sexual stimulation is no better than the person who likes pain with sexual stimulation—and vice versa.

I do understand that sometimes an organization has to be governed by the laws of the particular town in which they operate—but these laws just illustrate how fucked up this society can be. Think about it—I can take a man to a dungeon, strip him, tie his cock, put clips on his balls, shove ginger in his urethra, poke needles through his shaft—and this is all perfectly okay. But—if I dare to put that cock in my mouth (after removing the needles and ginger of course!) I have somehow crossed a line.

Yep, one fairly fucked up, sex-negative society.

The problem is that many seem to have internalized this message of sexuality as evil, or at least something to keep hidden. We slut-shame the woman who says she likes sex, and we tell women that if they behave in a way that is too sexually suggestive, they deserve whatever happens. Or—we create play spaces that tell a man that he can be as sadomasochistic as fuck, but unless it is being tortured, he had damn well better keep his cock in his pants.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Envy, compersion, and the desire to have it all

Jealousy: Fearing the loss of something you have
Envy: Wanting what someone else has
Compersion: Feeling joy when someone you love enjoys what they have

Now that we have the definitions, I can get to the point.

When Danny and I got together, I had a lot of jealousy. He started another relationship not long after we started seeing each other, and there were a whole lot of emotions that almost derailed us entirely. Luckily, we worked through it, but it was rough.

I still have strong emotions about many of his other play partners, but now jealousy is never really one of them. I am not worried that someone is going to take him away from me. Instead, I am envious as hell. I am envious because I also want play partners, but I don’t put myself out there the way that he does. I don’t go for it and risk rejection the way that he does. I envy his ability to be so open to the possibilities of the universe.

I also envy some of the things he does with these play partners because I want those same things. He can top someone in a way that doesn’t work for us, for example, because going too far into that head space fucks with our egalitarian household. I envy some of the sexual adventures he goes on with a new partner because they are things we don't often do at home. There are some positions he doesn't favor, but that new energy makes shiny, and some things he just feels more comfortable doing with others.

Don't get me wrong, we have a satisfying, and hot, sex life, and I know he has passion for me--but I am comfortable and known, and NRE is a hell of a drug.

Compersion definitely co-exists with the envy and I want him to have these experiences. I want him to have NRE and to feel extreme passion for someone, and I want him to try new sexual positions and explore various aspects of BDSM. I understand that I benefit from his adventures both because he is happier and because he learns cool things (in fact, I never did say thank you to the girl who helped him develop that fabulous oral technique!).

But, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes emotions just aren't that clear cut. I want him to have everything--I guess I just want to have it too.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Elle King

Just digging this chick and this video, so thought I would share!