Friday, July 22, 2011

Misguided dominance

The other day someone—and by someone I mean a self-described dominant who was attempting to hit on me through e-mail—asked me if I actually enjoyed being one of my Master’s submissives. My answer was something along the lines of “of course, why else would I do it?”

This guy was not interested in poly or my BDSM dynamic, he was horny. His goal was to cause doubt, to make me rethink my situation, and to worm his way in. I am not sure if I was supposed to say something along the lines of “I hate it, I mean really hate it, thank you so much for asking me and giving me the courage to speak the truth!” or maybe "you know, I haven't ever thought about it, but now that you mention it...," but I am sure that I was supposed to instantly kneel at his feet in gratitude and awe.

There is a whole subset of dominants out there who think that the way to prove themselves is through the use of confusion—if they can make you question your motives/desires/thoughts then you will think them brilliant and be impressed by how well they really know and understand you. These men (and to be fair there are probably women who fall into this category as well—I just haven’t met them) think that their penetrating insights and thought-provoking questions scream dominant, and, apparently, that the submissive mind is malleable enough to be convinced and taken in.

The sad thing is that they are probably right enough times to be considered successful.

I have met many submissive women—many normally strong, confident, self-assured women— who are open to this type of manipulation because they do not have confidence in their own opinions either because they are new, have bought too much into the idea that the dominant is always correct, or have spent way too much time reading about what is “right” or “true” and thinking that their inability to conform to narrow definitions is somehow a failure on their part. They do not yet have the courage of their kinky convictions so they let others cause doubt where none is needed or wanted.
I am not saying that we shouldn’t question—of course we should question. We do need to occasionally re-evaluate our choices and decide if we are on the right path and truly following our bliss, but that questioning should be something productive, and I just don’t see how that productivity is possible when a woman buys into the bullshit of manipulation and misguided attempts at dominance.


Anonymous said...

This is so true, even in vanilla relationships. When I look back on my failed marraige, my ex did a lot of quetioning and confusing and eventually caused me second guess every decision I made. It is so important to recognize when someone is undermining your self worth only to pump up theirs.

Literary Wench said...

Yes--and it is so hard to do that alone--that is why I am a big fan of discussion groups where submissives can talk freely and hear others' experiences.

BlogLady said...

I have seen vanilla, abusive, controlling relationships work this way. The abuse is somehow worthwhile because it's what the woman knows and is used to.

No good.

I really, really appreciate the dom/sub relationship style. It is totally different (than above) and shouldn't be created with that form of abuse. It's created out of desire, trust, communication and support.

Great post! Important for sure. xoxo

Literary Wench said...

Thank you. I admit when I started writing it I meant to go in a totally different direction--somehow it just wanted to go here.