Saturday, September 19, 2015

On sex positivity in public play

Sex without pain is like food without taste~DeSade
Pain without sex just fucking hurts~LiteraryWench

Okay—there doesn’t have to be sex, but there does have to be sexual stimulation (either physical or mental) for me to indulge my masochism.

I have been doing what it is that we do for a very long time, and I happily admit that a large part of why I do it is that it gets me off. I have been to dungeons in several states and have belonged to quite a few groups—most of which had either a no penetration rule or just frowned on anyone doing anything sexual in a play space. There is this overarching theme that sex is somehow bad and that our sexuality is something of which we should be ashamed.

Fuck that—I like sex.

My masochism is most definitely tied to my sexuality—and the more you get me off, the more pain you can subject me to (this is what we refer to as a win-win). I can also get off from the pain itself, so the reality is that if I am enjoying the scene, I will most likely orgasm (especially if you use a cane—just sayin’).

I have heard many people over the years talk about how BDSM is pure if sex is not involved, and that those who engage in pain play without sexual stimulation are somehow more kinkily evolved. Sadomasochism is wonderful, and power-exchange is fantastic, but they are also very specific to the individuals involved. The person who likes pain without sexual stimulation is no better than the person who likes pain with sexual stimulation—and vice versa.

I do understand that sometimes an organization has to be governed by the laws of the particular town in which they operate—but these laws just illustrate how fucked up this society can be. Think about it—I can take a man to a dungeon, strip him, tie his cock, put clips on his balls, shove ginger in his urethra, poke needles through his shaft—and this is all perfectly okay. But—if I dare to put that cock in my mouth (after removing the needles and ginger of course!) I have somehow crossed a line.

Yep, one fairly fucked up, sex-negative society.

The problem is that many seem to have internalized this message of sexuality as evil, or at least something to keep hidden. We slut-shame the woman who says she likes sex, and we tell women that if they behave in a way that is too sexually suggestive, they deserve whatever happens. Or—we create play spaces that tell a man that he can be as sadomasochistic as fuck, but unless it is being tortured, he had damn well better keep his cock in his pants.

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