tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78052502976110542024-03-14T01:28:09.284-04:00Literary WenchMusings~rants~fiction~poetry~artUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger41125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-55152108731364446372015-12-13T11:34:00.004-05:002015-12-13T11:38:51.850-05:00Yes, Virginia, kinky people can be bigots, tooIt was commented to me recently that people coming into the BDSM and non-monogamy lifestyles have to learn a whole new set of mores—that the accepted modes of behavior are all just a little bit askew. I agree, to a point—yes, the sexuality is in hyper-drive and often on display—but I think that the basic ways of acting as a human being in other areas still apply regardless of the sexuality of the people involved.<br />
<br />
It is to be expected that sexuality will be ramped up in a group of openly kinky people. It is not uncommon for me to go to a munch, for example, and have a woman whose last name I don't know kiss me, or have a man make a very sexual joke about my breasts (both with permission). These things would not happen in most other groups in which I am a member, but they are an accepted part of my particular kink culture.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, there are things that aren’t acceptable no matter how kinky we are.<br />
<br />
I was at a kink gathering some time ago where a cisgender, straight person made a really offensive joke about gay men. In talking with Danny about it later, we talked about mores, and he commented that the person was totally in the wrong, but that because of the nature of the group it is entirely possible that this person thought such a joke was appropriate. This is a concept I just cannot grasp—how on earth does someone not know that bigoted jokes are inappropriate?<br />
<br />
I thought about this some more as I went to sleep, then even more when I woke up, and this is what I came to:<br />
<br />
Yes, the mores are different, but basic humanity and participating in the world in a responsible way is not specific to non-kink situations—to suggest otherwise insults me as a thinking, kinky adult.<br />
<br />
We are not especially enlightened human beings—we are just kinky. We are capable of being bigoted, racist, homophobic, misogynistic, and just plain ignorant and uninformed. Someone should not get a pass on that ignorance just because they like to give or receive a good ass caning.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-1939287576163712152015-11-03T23:34:00.002-05:002015-11-06T19:37:30.883-05:00You don't need my permission to fuck my lover<script>
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...or talk to him, or have coffee/dinner/drinks with him. You need his permission--period.<br />
<br />
Really,
that is it. Granted, he and I do have strict rules about STI testing
and putting one's dick in crazy, so he isn't exactly waving said dick
around hoping it will land in someone, but if the conditions of our
relationship are met, and all appropriate consents are in place, he can
have sex with whomever he likes. He can also kiss whomever he likes,
play with whomever he likes, and generally spend time with whomever he
likes (all three of which are much more likely to happen than actual
sex!).<br />
<br />
I have written several times about how much it
pisses me off when people ask him for permission to do anything to my
body (see exhibits <a href="http://literarywench.blogspot.com/2014/07/my-eyes-are-over-here.html">A</a> and <a href="http://literarywench.blogspot.com/2015/03/consent-play-in-one-act.html">B</a>), so it would be hypocritical of me to expect permission about his body and/or time to be asked of me.<br />
<br />
Do
we discuss time we are going to spend with others? Of course. Do we
discuss any potential sex or any possible play outside of a party?
Absolutely. But the reality is that we do not give each other
"permission" in anything but the larger sense.<br />
<br />
Do I
want basic courtesy from anyone with whom he is involved? Yes, yes I do.
They need to know I exist, and they need to be respectful of my time
and relationship. But, they are not under any obligation to run anything
past me.<br />
<br />
He is the one who has to check with me, to
make sure I am okay, to see if I have any reservations. He is in this
relationship and so owes that to me as the other person in the
relationship (as he owes it to anyone else he may be in a serious
relationship with).<br />
<br />
I generally feel the same way about
anyone I am going to play with, though if their partner would like to
talk to me first I certainly respect that. My basic feeling is that we
are all adults, and I trust if someone is going to play with me they
have whatever their version of permission is for said play.<br />
<br />
I
do tend to thank their partners after the play as a gesture of
community and niceness and all-around good feeling, and I like it when
someone does the same with me--but, to me, that is not the same as
asking for permission. That is acknowledging that another person shared
their time and energy (in the form of their lover) with me, and the
openness is appreciated.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-59178484281284049552015-09-10T10:29:00.000-04:002015-09-10T10:29:09.855-04:00Envy, compersion, and the desire to have it allJealousy: Fearing the loss of something you have<br />Envy: Wanting what someone else has<br />Compersion: Feeling joy when someone you love enjoys what they have<br /><br />Now that we have the definitions, I can get to the point.<br /><br />When Danny and I got together, I had a lot of jealousy. He started another relationship not long after we started seeing each other, and there were a whole lot of emotions that almost derailed us entirely. Luckily, we worked through it, but it was rough.<br /><br />I still have strong emotions about many of his other play partners, but now jealousy is never really one of them. I am not worried that someone is going to take him away from me. Instead, I am envious as hell. I am envious because I also want play partners, but I don’t put myself out there the way that he does. I don’t go for it and risk rejection the way that he does. I envy his ability to be so open to the possibilities of the universe.<br /><br />I also envy some of the things he does with these play partners because I want those same things. He can top someone in a way that doesn’t work for us, for example, because going too far into that head space fucks with our egalitarian household. I envy some of the sexual adventures he goes on with a new partner because they are things we don't often do at home. There are some positions he doesn't favor, but that new energy makes shiny, and some things he just feels more comfortable doing with others.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong, we have a satisfying, and hot, sex life, and I know he has passion for me--but I am comfortable and known, and NRE is a hell of a drug.<br /><br />Compersion definitely co-exists with the envy and I want him to have these experiences. I want him to have NRE and to feel extreme passion for someone, and I want him to try new sexual positions and explore various aspects of BDSM. I understand that I benefit from his adventures both because he is happier and because he learns cool things (in fact, I never did say thank you to the girl who helped him develop that fabulous oral technique!).<br /><br />But, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes emotions just aren't that clear cut. I want him to have everything--I guess I just want to have it too.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-42324895285226446902015-08-27T13:57:00.001-04:002015-09-04T15:54:55.775-04:00Polyamory deal breakers<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">Because I am actively on the non-monogamy play partner hunt, here are my poly relationship deal breakers both in terms of possible new relationships and what might kill an existing relationship:</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">1. Monogamy. I know this may sound silly considering the topic, but I was asked more than once before I got married if I would become monogamous now that I found the right man. The answer is no, because non-monogamy has nothing to do with whether or not I have found the “right” person. I feel that Danny is very right for me, but he and I will never be monogamous. I understand that different relationships have different guidelines of what is acceptable, but non-monogamy in some form will always be on the table.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">2. Absolute veto power. The relationship before Danny ended because one of the three involved had that absolute power, and when the emotional connection between the other two became more than she wanted, she used it. I understand a need for some kind of veto power, but it must be a last resort. Once everyone is emotionally involved, using that power without intense discussion simply cannot be an option. I will not put myself in that position again.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">3. I cannot be a secret. If you can't tell your other partner/s about me, then we simply should not be considering a relationship. This means that if you state that your relationship is, "don't ask don't tell" I will probably just walk away rather than risk being a part of someone's lie.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">4. The cover-up. I do not know if my partner having sex with someone outside of our boundaries would end the relationship, that would require discussion—but I do know that covering up that act, or covering up anything that would have an impact on our relationship, would. Mistakes happen, dishonesty is deliberate.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">5. Putting my health at risk. I don’t care if you don’t like wearing condoms—if we are fluid bonded there can’t be any other fluid bonding with anyone else unless I agree. I offer the same in return.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">I think that just about covers it.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-26871436462596272722015-08-19T14:47:00.001-04:002015-08-19T14:48:29.494-04:00Feeding the beastUp until three years ago, all of my adult relationships had power-exchange as their defining characteristic. I have written much about my submissive nature, and that nature has not really changed, but I no longer feel the need for power-exchange in my relationships on more than a scene-by-scene basis. I am still somewhat surprised by this.<br />
<br />
I do, however, have beasts that need to be fed. I have found, for example, that I cannot live without the ability to feed my masochism on a somewhat regular basis--which gets only slightly complicated by the fact that my husband is not a sadist. Thank goodness for non-monogamy.<br />
<br />
For quite a long time, I have bought into the De Sade philosophy of "sex without pain is like food without taste." I am finding now, however, that sex without pain can be incredible, and erotic, satisfying, and hot, and in no way lacking. Still, I find that every once in awhile I just have to get out and feel pain--to be beaten, and tortured, and pushed, and made to orgasm from pure painful sensation.<br />
<br />
I miss going deeply into my masochism. I always worry with this particular beast that I will bite off more than I can chew--the whole "be careful what you wish for" thing definitely applies--but I am eager to give myself over to it and just get the hell out of my own way and let it happen. When I do, it is awesome.<br />
<br />
I like the head space I get into when I bottom to a hot sadist. I like the soreness the next day--the tenderness in the nipples, the pain in my wrists where they pulled against the restraints, even the stiffness in my neck and shoulders brought on by gripping and tensing as I process the sensations.<br />
<br />
I don't need this every day, and, thanks to my lover, I now know that I do not need it to have an amazing sexual experience--but I do need it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-44326077883103627062015-08-08T14:19:00.003-04:002015-08-08T14:19:24.789-04:00On hunting unicorns<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.0909px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">In poly circles, a unicorn is generally known as a bisexual female who wants to be in a non-monogamous relationship with both members of the couple and not really disrupt their lives all that much. They are called unicorns because it seems everyone wants to find one, but they are rarely, if ever, seen. I have been a potential unicorn, and I have been part of a couple in search of a unicorn, and here is what I have learned—the term is kind of bullshit.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.0909px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">Many people spend their lives in search of the “one,” (a creature who, to me, is equally as mythical because he or she simply does not exist), and most of the time, they fail. There is no way that failure is not magnified when the “one” you want is to become part of a triad.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.0909px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">Basically, what you are hoping to find is a woman who attracts you, who is attracted to both you and your partner, who is open to polyamory (and, often, to kink), whose life fits in with yours, whose personality and energy meshes well with yours and your partners’, who is willing to abide by all existing relationship rules and not seek other relationships of her own, and who is available to complete your triad at that particular time. That is an awful lot for one person to be, so yes, that “perfect” person is, not surprisingly, rare.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.0909px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">Now—I get that someone may write that they found their unicorn and it is wonderful—to that I say, hooray! Feel free to share your story :-) But, if that were the norm, the term would not exist and neither would this writing, so unless we want to rip a hole in the space/time continuum, it is probably safest to move on.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.0909px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">It is difficult to make two people work out long term because of the personalities and emotions and life goals and, and, and… That gets exponentially harder when you try it with three, or four, or a googol people. And every person you want to add with very specific attributes becomes more rare, of course, because the search parameters have been narrowed and the pool of available candidates has gotten smaller.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.0909px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">I have known quite a few couples over the years who are on the hunt for a unicorn, and every one of them failed because when you are chasing a myth, reality will just never do. The woman you seek is not a unicorn—she is not mythical, and she is not magical—she is human, and, chances are, she is not perfect.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.0909px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">The problem with ascribing any kind of mythical status to her is that you take away her status as a mere mortal. When you are so busy looking for the unicorn, you may easily miss opportunities and relationships with real potential, and when you are trying so hard to turn someone into a unicorn, you may interfere with her ability to be her most authentic self.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-62029461039114729552015-07-22T21:19:00.000-04:002015-07-22T23:48:46.457-04:00Vows (on keeping the monogamy out of our wedding)When Danny first found me on OkCupid, the first line of my profile read, “If you are looking for monogamy, I am not your girl.” He, obviously, liked this (and my references to Princess Bride, Doctor Who, and Vonnegut), and sent me a message. I sent him one back, we talked, then met in person at Cuyahoga Valley National Park, where, three years later, we were married.<br />
<br />
In those three years, I had people ask me on several occasions if we would become monogamous when we “got serious” and decided to get married. Well, no, that isn’t really how it works. We were serious about each other when we moved in together, we were serious about each other when he got offered a job across the country and we moved our lives, and we would still be just as serious about each other if we never decided to get married.<br />
<br />
Marriage ≠ monogamy, at least not for us.<br />
<br />
Over the course of our relationship, we have definitely hit some non-monogamy speed bumps, but at no time did we even entertain the idea of being monogamous, so when we were planning our wedding, we wanted to make sure there was no hint of, “forsaking all others.” The ceremony had to be authentically us, though not so obvious as to shock the more conservative members of our families.<br />
<br />
First, the rings. Danny was adamant that he wanted titanium bands to symbolize our relationship and its extremely strong yet very light nature. We chose matching bands with three inset gemstones—sapphire in the middle, and two green garnets on the sides to represent nature and the colors of our eyes.<br />
<br />
The wedding party was made up of people we loved, some of whom we have played with, one of whom is my girlfriend.<br />
<br />
We chose two readings for the ceremony: Gibran’s On Marriage, and a Victor Hugo/Walt Whitman mash-up that we created because we could. The Gibran reading was particularly important because it said everything we felt about the nature of couplehood:<br />
<br />
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:<br />
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.<br />
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.<br />
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf<br />
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,<br />
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.<br />
<br />
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.<br />
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.<br />
And stand together yet not too near together:<br />
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,<br />
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.<br />
<br />
After this, we both read our statements of love to one another (awwwww!).<br />
<br />
Then the vows—very short, very to the point, and very, very us:<br />
<br />
Do you promise…<br />
<br />
To respect and cherish each other as partners and equals, and to honor each other as individuals?<br />
<br />
To laugh together in the good times and comfort each other in times of struggle?<br />
<br />
To take the adventurous road in pursuit of one another’s dreams and to delight in what you know of each other and trust what is yet undiscovered?<br />
<br />
We did, and we do—and we look forward to many, many years of wedded, non-monogamous bliss.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-30722783601896103702015-03-23T18:57:00.000-04:002015-07-22T23:53:30.443-04:00Consent: A play in one act<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]-->Scene: A munch, sometime before
today.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Characters:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your friendly, neighborhood wench</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Danny (her main squeeze)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Skippy: A male acquaintance</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~~~</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Skippy—speaking to Danny: “Do you mind if I do something
to your wife?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Danny: “Well, she isn’t my wife, yet, but, regardless,
you should really ask her.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Skippy: “But this thing could get me in trouble.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Danny: “Again, she is an autonomous being—speak to her.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Skippy turns to the wench in question and, without speaking
to her, grabs her arm, pulls up her sleeve, and pinches her hard enough to
leave two bruises.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wench: “If you ever do that again, I will punch you, hard.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wench storms off stage left.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And…scene. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~~~</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, yeah, this happened—and sure, a pinch on the arm may not
seem like a big deal to some, but it was—and what it says is huge. It says that,
to some, my consent in this community means little. It says that if I am
partnered with a man that this man must speak for me. It says that there are
people out there who think they can grab a woman and cause her pain without any
type of permission whatsoever. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This isn’t the first time I have written about this (<a href="http://literarywench.blogspot.com/2014/07/my-eyes-are-over-here.html">exhibit A</a>), but this is the first time I walked away with actual bruises, and every
time I think about it, it pisses me off all over again. I am just so tired of
having to fight for what I feel should be assumed without question--namely,
that I have ultimate control over what happens to my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, we are in a community that engages in power exchange.
And sure, a woman may give the power of permission to some other individual—but
if you want to know if that dynamic exists, ask her, and recognize that it is
she who has given that power.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
default simply HAS to be that consent lies with the individual.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is an important discussion because these consent
violations are not always being committed by those we consider predators.
Seriously. This guy is not the creepster that girls need to be warned about. He
has sincerely apologized and will most likely not be making the same mistake
any time soon. But it doesn’t really matter in the moment if the person who is
treating you as less than a fully-functioning human being is misguided or an
actual predator—it sucks either way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So—let’s make this simple: Don’t. If you do not have
permission from or through the person whose body you want to touch--just don’t. That’s it.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just. Fucking. Don’t.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-8760459835250117022015-03-02T21:38:00.002-05:002015-09-06T18:26:16.851-04:00Flux<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="background-color: white;">In the last few months, I have become increasingly aware of the people in my life who are busy discovering totally new aspects of their sexuality or indulging in areas that are either different from that they present to the kink world or different from the part of their personality that I know so well. Straight men exploring bisexuality, tops enjoying a good whipping, bottoms happily and confidently directing their slaves, women enjoying masculinity as they define it, and men enjoying their femininity in the same way.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">Hooray!</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">I have been doing what-it-is-that-we-do for what seems like a very long time, and in that time I have had my perceptions and pre-conceived notions challenged a number of times. Each time I have been deeply grateful that it happened--because every time it opened up this life, my life, in so many ways.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">The first time I realized how nuanced BDSM can be, I was tied to a double cross in a hotel somewhere near LaGuardia in the late 90s and there was a man across from me making a lot of noise as he enjoyed a good flogging. I tuned the guy out until my own scene was finished, then I looked up and made eye contact and was startled to discover it was a man whose dominance/sadism had me totally awestruck earlier in the evening. Mind-fricking-blown.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">Since that eye-opening moment, I have been through a few of my own gender/orientation bending changes as I have gone from straight to bisexual to pansexual, from submissive to switch to bottom to fairly meh about the whole power-exchange thing, and from neutral to masculine to feminine to who gives a fuck?</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">So--a couple of decades from that first encounter--I enter into a relationship with a heterosexual, non-power-exchange man, we move in together, we decide to get married, we plan our lives together, and he becomes a man whose status on the kink spectrum is constantly in flux.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">Again—hooray!</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">I want him to experience all that he wants to experience, even when what he wants scares me. I love the feel of his energy as it reacts to new stimuli and the ways in which his world becomes larger as he discovers long-hidden parts of his nature.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">I want, no, I need to be the person who gives him the freedom to explore, who encourages him, who provides safety and a soft place to land when his new vulnerability leads to pain.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">And I need exactly the same thing from him, and from every one of my partners.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: "Lucida Grande","Lucida Sans Unicode",Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 1; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">I need the freedom to be constantly in flux.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-62825032641879854662014-12-21T12:00:00.002-05:002014-12-21T12:00:42.343-05:00On femininity and rebellionI was painting my nails a sweet, delicate pink, one night and tweeting that I was going to pamper myself with a face mask and a bubble bath when someone made the comment that I could be so girly sometimes. The comment brought me up short because I realized that I had spent much of my life trying hard to not be perceived as “girly” and that this had obviously changed.<br /><br />Now—I am quite aware of the fact that a man can enjoy the color pink, face masks, and bubble baths—this is not an exploration of gender preferences, but of the associations I made with femininity as a young girl and my reaction to those associations.<br /><br />Disclaimer over.<br /><br />The face mask and bubble bath part of this has no real meaning to me, but pink most definitely does. There was a time when I would have rather gone outside in a garbage bag than let someone see me wearing pink or, god forbid, anything with flowers, lace, or little sparklies.<br /><br />Well, I stand by that last one to this day—I do not BeDazzle™.<br /><br />I think that a large part of this was a reaction to my older sister. She was the girly-girl who was always in full make-up—oh-so pretty and ready to be seen. That, to me, and to the society around me, was femininity. I have never doubted my femaleness, but I did doubt my ability to fit into that mold of femininity—I was just bad at it. I knew from a very early age that I would not be pretty in the same way that she is pretty, so my response was to rebel against that and show that I didn’t care by being cool and edgy instead. In my experience, very few people, including myself, are as cool and edgy as they think they are, but I still tried and flirted with punk, and goth, and finally settled into a whole wardrobe of black, grey, and earth tones. A few colors made it in—a bit of blue, the occasional green, but no pink, never pink.<br /><br />This didn’t begin to change until my late twenties— I blame it on BDSM.<br /><br />Some people get involved with this lifestyle and dive headlong into black leather and latex, both of which I love—but I found that my inner submissive liked to be “feminine” in a way that I had never allowed before, and she really liked pink. Allowing her to indulge was a safe place for me to let that side of myself out without embarrassment. Slowly, as I became more comfortable with myself and the many, many aspects of my personality, it started to come out more—my own girly-girl went public. I am still pretty bad at the traditionally feminine ideal that I grew up with, but I also no longer feel as if a specific definition of femininity needs to be achieved.<br /><br />Now I have no issue wearing pink--aside from the fact that it just really isn’t my color. Chances are you will never see me in some frilly little number that looks like it just came from a cotillion—I am still very choosy about my floral patterns, and lace only makes it to the dungeon where it is used to barely cover my sexy bra and panties—but at least now my fashion choices are based on taste, and style (and, apparently, general level of sluttiness) and not a need to rebel against some bullshit idea of what feminine looks like.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-14334557438190349262014-11-06T19:13:00.001-05:002014-11-06T19:31:27.061-05:00The crowded mirror (or, comparison as a poly-unfriendly act)<style>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I spent my
childhood being compared to my older sister and never feeling like I measured
up. When we were young I was smart, but she was pretty, and the family was fond
of telling her this at every opportunity. As a teenager, the straight-A student
that I was gave way to a pot-smoking, sex-having, school-ditching party girl so
the comparisons intensified. My sister was the one who did what she was
supposed to do and found herself a man and married at 18, while I was the one
who at 16 hitchhiked from Colorado to California with some friends and partied
until they threw us in jail and sent us home. A year later I became the teen
mother that everyone expected me to be, so, in their eyes, the giant L was
pretty much tattooed on my forehead. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Fast-forward 25
years…</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">She and I have taken
very different, but equally successful, paths--but those childhood demons
aren’t easily banished, and I have realized that they have been fucking with my
relationships. Okay, the idea that our past affects our future isn’t exactly
groundbreaking, but, well, sometimes it takes awhile for these things to sink
in.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My personal
poly issue is comparing myself to the other women in my partner’s life and
fearing that I will always come up short. I know that I am beautiful,
intelligent, strong, capable, and, yes, I’ll say it—cool as hell. So why am I
sometimes incapable of remembering that in my relationship?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Wait—it isn’t
that I forget it—it is that I worry that my partner forgets it. Totally different.
Or, more accurately, I worry that my partner is making the same comparisons I
am—which is probably not true at all. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I think it is
wonderful that I have realized that this is an issue, that I have found a
reason for some of my behaviors—knowing is half the battle, after all—but this
knowledge has really just made me start to understand how pervasive the human
need to compare ourselves to others really is, and how destructive this need
can be in a relationship. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We are primed
for comparisons by a society that is all about competition, and that teaches
women that we must be better than others in order to land a job, man, whatever.
It would be lovely to think that we leave all of that behind when we enter into
non-monogamy, but it just isn’t that easy. I have seen many women take every
opportunity to point out the ways in which the other woman in the relationship
is somehow lacking. It is seldom a blatant act—just little comments made in an
offhanded manner. The new partner does it in order to establish her place, and
the current partner does it to solidify hers. Chances are that each woman is
completely unaware that she is doing it, but of course she can easily recognize
the behavior in the other woman and be hurt by it. I have been the
recipient of those psychologically devastating comparisons and, if I am honest,
I have probably been guilty of them myself. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">But, there are comparisons
that come from people outside of the relationship that can be just as damaging.
I have lost count of the number of times that friends have compared me to my partner’s
other partner. This is usually done in a way that is flattering to me, but it
is not helpful at all for the poly group because it encourages the culture of
competition. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">For example, I
have been told in different relationships that I am prettier than the other
woman (and I am certain that these women have been told the opposite from their
friends). It has little to do with actual looks, but with people thinking that
this kind of reassurance is needed. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I do like to be
told that I am pretty, or smart, or funny—I am just realizing that I do not
need to be told that I am prettier/smarter/funnier than anyone else.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Now
what I need to do is take this new knowledge and figure out how to use this
information to my advantage and stop all associated negativity.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> <span style="color: black;">The only way to make this happen is for me to stop comparing myself, in
any way, to anyone else. I can't control what other people say. I can't stop
friends from making well-intended comments any more than I can keep those who
aren't so friendly from making snarky ones. The only thing I have control over
is my own thoughts and behaviors and how I let others affect me.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This
doesn't mean that I have magically gotten over my tendency to negatively
compare myself to others, but I am getting better--well, at least compared to
some others I know. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-47846634510314613982014-07-08T07:00:00.000-04:002015-07-02T18:49:21.425-04:00My eyes are over hereHello—you—yes, you, the person speaking to my boyfriend. You know, that guy standing right next to me—the guy you are asking about whether or not you can come into my personal space. Yes, my space—not his—mine. So why exactly are you not speaking directly to me?<br />
<br />
We are at a kink event so we must be power exchange, right? Well, no—but I am totally okay with the assumption that we are because, really, who cares? What I am not okay with are the assumptions that 1. Because I am female I must be submissive and 2. Being submissive, I am unable to speak for myself.<br />
<br />
I does not matter if I identify as submissive or dominant, or somewhere in between--I have never given up being a thinking human being who is quite capable of answering a question about my own damn body.<br />
<br />
The default should not be to ignore the female and ask the male you assume speaks for her—doing so treats her as someone with no identity of her own who only exists through her relationship to someone else.<br />
<br />
If you want to hug me, ask me—if you want to play with me, ask me. If I am in a relationship that requires you to speak with someone else, I will tell you—please do not think that just because I am female and in a relationship that I have given up the right to be treated as an adult.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-10198969775375593002014-05-02T07:00:00.000-04:002014-05-02T07:00:03.241-04:00Mental vacation<span style="color: black;">There are times when my mind shuts down a bit—when I
go inside myself as a direct result of the influence of other people. Sometimes
this is a matter of self-protection, and sometimes it is a wonderful, meditative
escape. It all depends on whose influence is being exerted.<br /><br />There are
really two types of other-people-induced mental vacation. The first is more of a
shut-down than a vacation. I am a social person, but sometimes I just reach a
point of mental over-stimulation and I need to go away and be where others are
not, or at least where the bulk of others are not. This usually happens at a
party when I have spent hours listening to people talk and adjusting to the
music (dungeon parties are way too fond of Norwegian death metal). Eventually my
brain can no longer deal with the noise and I either have to go off by myself
or, preferably, have a person whose energy can absorb mine take me to a quiet
corner and help me refocus. This doesn’t cure the over-stimulation—if we rejoin
the party it still exists—but it makes it bearable for a time.<br /><br />The other
type of mental vacation is entirely about being completely engaged with the
energy created by the person, or people, I am with--and about being content, and
satisfied, and happy to just exist. In this case it is not about
over-stimulation, but about balance, and energy that is stimulated just enough
to calm me. I just reach a point when I no longer want to talk (though I am
happy to listen to them talk). I don’t want to watch television, or listen to
music, or do anything but sit and enjoy the peace that comes with this feeling.
It is a sort of trance—a wee touch of subspace. It is the only time when my mind
lets go of the insanity caused by the chaos that I surround myself with and lets
go of its defenses. </span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><br />That space is when I am at
my most vulnerable. When I am in that space there is
nothing but trust and the desire to be whatever I am meant to be in that moment.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-75096588161888931632014-04-06T17:31:00.001-04:002014-04-07T10:33:50.472-04:00I wantI want pain, but more than that I want connection--I want to feel the person topping me, to know them, to
desire them, and to know that they desire me. <br />
<br />
I want energy. I want my partner to be interested in the journey--not just the particular scene, but the combination of scenes that build on each other and create a comfortable, electrically charged space.<br />
<br />
I want to look in her eyes and see the excitement she feels about what
she is going to do to me. I want to know what it means when she presses against me, and when she is silent, and when her breathing becomes ragged and her fingers dig into me. <br />
<br />
I want him to understand what it means when he is hitting me and I reach for any part of his body to grip. I want him to ride the orgasm with me and share in the laughter that always follows. And I want him to know this will happen, and how to make it happen, and to revel in it.<br />
<br />
I want experience, and shared history, and the freedom to dive into my masochism--to let go. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-77977402932535134172014-02-14T07:00:00.000-05:002014-02-14T07:00:01.770-05:00SometimesEvery relationship I have had in the past 15 years has been poly in one form or
another, and I don’t generally hide that fact, so I have had to answer my fair
share of questions. When non-poly people find out I am in a poly relationship
the most frequently asked question is always “don’t you want a man of your own?”
The answer is yes, sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t want to work my schedule
around another woman. Sometimes I just want to see
my man when I want to see him. Sometimes I just want emotional and logistical simplicity. <br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
But—there is always a but—the thing is that I don’t really
want monogamy. I prefer poly. If I were in a monogamous relationship I would, at
some point, want to turn it poly. I would feel completely stifled in a
monogamous relationship—maybe not right away, but it would happen. I just do not
see long-term monogamy as a viable relationship option. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I still have to deal with “sometimes.”<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-59286123160579450882014-01-24T07:00:00.001-05:002015-07-22T23:52:26.274-04:00Home<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: 'Lucida Grande','Lucida Sans Unicode',Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">I have lived many places. I went to 17 different schools in 4 states (not including college), and as an adult have lived in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Arizona, Colorado, New Jersey, California and Germany--and, in a few months I will be moving back to AZ with Danny. Because of this, I have a somewhat complicated relationship with the notion of "Home" in that it has to be both fluid enough and solid enough to satisfy me.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: 'Lucida Grande','Lucida Sans Unicode',Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">I have found this with Danny.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: 'Lucida Grande','Lucida Sans Unicode',Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">The fluid part is fairly easy--it is satisfied by his openness to new places and new adventures (though he himself has never lived anywhere but where we are now). He understands that home is not a place, but a state of mind.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: 'Lucida Grande','Lucida Sans Unicode',Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">The solid part is somewhat trickier, but much more important.</span></div>
<div style="border: 0px none; font-family: 'Lucida Grande','Lucida Sans Unicode',Arial,Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: 14.4444px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 23.3333px; margin: 0px 0px 1.5em; padding: 0px; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">I love having the freedom to explore, to enjoy multiple relationships, to go out into the world and take my chances academically, professionally, and emotionally--but this only really works if I have a soft place to land and a strong home-base. I am capable of creating this base myself, and have done so for most of my life (I am not really good at the whole relying on others thing), but having someone who is part of that base, who strengthens it, who encourages my exploration by letting me know that I have that safe, loving, supportive, empowering space to come home to is pretty amazing. So amazing that I am still getting used to it--and I am really just starting to understand that it is real. That this is home.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-48113798029947002232014-01-03T11:29:00.002-05:002015-06-21T16:13:13.749-04:00Looking back, moving forwardI know, I know--January 1 is just another day on the calendar, but I have always liked the idea of a new
year and the possibilities it holds. I don't really do resolutions, I do
goals--but before I can decide where I am going, I need to look back at
where I have been.<br />
<br />
So--2013-in chronological order (I think):<br />
<br />
SF switched to a job which required no travel.<br />
<br />
We went to Winter Wickedness. <br />
<br />
We went to Arizona for the wedding of a dear friend whom I have crushed on for years.<br />
<br />
My son got married.<br />
<br />
We traveled to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon. <br />
<br />
I got into grad school.<br />
<br />
I had a month long art show. <br />
<br />
SF and I reached a new level in our non-monogamous life.<br />
<br />
We went to Bonnaroo. <br />
<br />
I traveled to Seattle to spend time with G and his awesome wife.<br />
<br />
I restarted this blog. <br />
<br />
I got a grad assistantship (free grad school, hooray!).<br />
<br />
We went to Kamp Kink. <br />
<br />
I was chosen to be one of the emerging artists at the Tremont Arts & Culture festival.<br />
<br />
Started a play/social relationship with a woman which has been lovely and has allowed SF to spread his kink wings a bit more.<br />
<br />
Traveled to DC for another wedding (and a fabulous house kink party in VA).<br />
<br />
Traveled to Hocking Hills for a few days of hiking and sitting by the fire. <br />
<br />
Had a piece chosen for a two-month long art show in Columbus.<br />
<br />
Received all As in my first semester as a grad student.<br />
<br />
Decided to move to Arizona when I finish my degree in the fall (SF accepted a great job offer).<br />
<br />
In the midst of all of this I hiked many Metroparks, saw several fabulous Shakespeare productions, read a few good books,
went sailing, watched a lot of Doctor Who, experimented with quite a
few recipes, spent time with friends, family, and chosen family, and started to learn how to play bridge.<br />
<br />
So, not really a busy year :-)<br />
<br />
My
goals for 2014 are pretty simple. I want to finish grad school with a
4.0. I want to finish my thesis without injuring someone (it is probably
a good thing that SF will be in Arizona for most of the process!). I
want to sell our house. I want to hike Camelback Mountain. I want to get
my art in a gallery in Phoenix.<br />
<br />
And I want,
really, really want, to build a community in AZ without losing touch
with the amazing community we have here in Cleveland. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-1704604559644811332013-12-27T07:00:00.000-05:002013-12-27T07:00:03.810-05:00I feel prettyI was painting my nails a sweet, delicate pink, one night and tweeting that I was going to pamper myself with a face mask and a bubble bath when someone made the comment that I could be so girly sometimes. The comment brought me up short because I realized that I had spent much of my life trying hard to not be perceived as “girly” and that this had obviously changed. <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now—I am quite aware of the fact that a man can enjoy the color pink, face masks, and bubble baths—this is not an exploration of gender preferences, but of the associations I made as a young girl and my reaction to those associations.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Disclaimer over.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The face mask and bubble bath part of this has no real meaning to me, but pink most definitely does. There was a time when I would have rather gone outside in a garbage bag than let someone see me wearing pink or, god forbid, anything with flowers, lace, or little sparklies. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, I stand by that last one to this day—I do not BeDazzle™. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think that a large part of this was a reaction to my older sister. She was the girly-girl who was always in full make-up—oh-so pretty and ready to be seen. I knew from a very early age that I would not be pretty in the same way that she is pretty, so my response was to rebel against that and show that I didn’t care by being cool and edgy instead. In my experience very few people, including myself, are as cool and edgy as they think they are, but I still tried and flirted with punk, and goth, and finally settled into a whole wardrobe of black, grey, and earth tones. A few colors made it in—a bit of blue, the occasional green, but no pink, never pink. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This didn’t begin to change until my late twenties— I blame it on BDSM.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some people get involved with this lifestyle and dive headlong into black leather and latex, both of which I love—but I found that my inner submissive liked to be girly, and she really liked pink. Allowing her to indulge was a safe place for me to let that side of myself out without embarrassment. Slowly, as I became more comfortable with myself, and my submission, and the many, many aspects of my personality, it started to come out more—the girly-girl went public. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, at 40, I have no issue wearing pink. Chances are you will never see me in some frilly little number that looks like it just came from a cotillion—I am still very choosy about my floral patterns, and lace only makes it to the dungeon where it is used to barely cover my sexy bra and panties—but at least now my fashion choices are based on taste, and style (and apparently general level of sluttiness) and not a misguided sense of rebellion or denial. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-21707686933812843052013-12-06T07:00:00.000-05:002013-12-06T07:00:03.634-05:00Sexy Bitch<div class="MsoNormal">
I have body issues. I don’t have a problem saying that. I have lost a great deal of weight and things just got a bit weird because my body stopped being my own in some ways. I don’t mind talking about this—it is just a fact of my life at the moment—but people tend to take this talk as me being critical of myself, or they think that I do not think that I am attractive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They are wrong on both counts.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I talk plainly and I do not have a lot of filters, so if this is an issue in my life right now I will talk about it, especially when it is relevant to the conversation. I am not critical of my body—it is what it is right now and it will change and that is that. I get annoyed when it doesn’t go where I want it to go, but I am still quite happy with the fact that the weight is gone. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As far as seeing myself as attractive—I guess it is true, I don’t really—attractive is too mild a word. I am a sexy bitch. I know this. I radiate energy, and joy, and love, and warmth, and confidence, and sex, and I am beautiful. I don't have a problem saying that either :-)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That doesn’t mean that my self-esteem can’t take a blow or two once in awhile, or that sensitivities don’t arise—I am still human. But at the end of the day—always—I really do love myself. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-55426778541361661292013-10-13T20:13:00.002-04:002015-09-19T13:19:11.283-04:00NRE is a hell of a drug<div>
New relationship energy is frickin' amazing, and it is always frickin' amazing regardless of whether or not the relationship fully materializes. For the people experiencing it, it is a time of possibilities, and raging hormones, and the thrill of the unknown--but for the partners of those people it can be scary, and dangerous. NRE is the quickest way to uncover insecurities and make someone aware of just how jealous they really are.</div>
<br />
<div>
I discovered this for myself several years ago when my then lover (now husband) started playing with another woman. In my defense, he and I were also very new, and I did not have firm footing yet--but the reality is that I was just plain jealous, and I am not sure that would have been different if she had come along further in our relationship. I was jealous because I worried that he would like her more than me, that he would want her more than me, that he would leave me for her, or, actually, that he would just leave me for the possibility of all the NREs out there. I was not happy about the NRE, and I tried foolishly to somehow control it, to keep my relationship is some kind of safe little box. </div>
<br />
<div>
Of course this failed--as it should--but it did give me an opportunity to explore my feelings, and at the end of that exploration, this is what I learned:</div>
<br />
I have no control over the NRE my partner experiences. Once the relationship is opened up, it is totally out of my hands. I know that my partner is going to feel passion for another person, and that passion might very well make me feel for a moment as if he doesn't have the same passion for me. There is a chance that I will feel left behind, that my jealousy will surface, that any new relationship he gets involved in will send me on a bit of an emotional roller coaster.<br />
<div>
<div>
<br />
The thing is, though, that I WANT this NRE to happen--otherwise why explore non-monogamy at all? But wanting it, and being ready to deal with it, are apparently two very different things.</div>
<div>
<br />
I had to realize that the new passion IS different, but not necessarily better or deeper than the passion he feels for me. He is with me for a reason, and that reason isn't going to change just because an emotional attachment is formed outside of our relationship, and certainly not because of a new toy. He is going to experience NRE--he will be giddy, and silly, and emotionally wrapped-up with this new person for awhile, but he will also want to share those emotions with me. He will want to know that he has my blessing, and he will want to bring that energy home. I need to welcome it and give him a safe place to explore, because that is exactly what I want from him.</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-19794089809616703622013-09-20T05:00:00.000-04:002013-09-20T05:00:07.758-04:00Bondage vs. restraintI like bondage. Okay, I love bondage—ropes, chain, ace bandages, pantyhose, leather body bag, scarves—whatever. There are times when I just want to be tied-up and teased, tortured, beaten and fucked while a top has his, or her, sadistically wicked way with me, because giving up control and being tied-up by someone who knows well how to please me, and enjoys using me to please them in return, is just plain hot.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there are other times when I just want--no, I need, to be restrained. It just isn’t the same thing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bondage is about control, yes, but it is also about sex, and fun, and the top/bottom connection—restraint is ALL about control and bringing that control to a chaotic mind that is in desperate need of centering. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not a person who needs order in all things. I seem to exist in a constant state of chaos (which I suspect I create in order to stave off boredom). The problem with this is that successfully balancing chaos is difficult for even the most focused of minds, so I am pretty much screwed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of the time I do okay—the barbarians may be at the gate but their constant pounding is more background music to the soundtrack of my life than full-blown musical score—but every once in awhile they come crashing through and it takes something beyond me to beat them back down. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This something can take several forms—a hike up the steepest hill I can find, dancing for hours—but nothing compares to the havoc-calming, chaos-controlling release of being completely bound by a person I trust and being able to focus long enough to tame the hamsters that have invaded my brain. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I am in that space I am protected, but more than that I have permission—to let go, to not take care of anything, to not be anything or anyone but that woman in that moment, to just be.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-30678224933221339412013-09-06T07:00:00.002-04:002013-09-06T23:35:09.033-04:00Non-monogamy reboot<div>
This was how it should be. Yes, I know that no one should say "should" but fuck being politically, or kink, correct. The first time I played with G felt exactly how non-monogamy should.</div>
<br />
<div>
I had just come out of a relationship with an engaged couple--the course of which never did run smooth. We had some very good times, but I basically spent four months trying to keep her happy so that we could continue to have good times. Eventually, she realized that she could not handle the idea that he also loved me, and so she exercised her veto power on the whole relationship, and that was that.</div>
<br />
<div>
The relationship before that one involved a lot of miscommunication, and periods where the existing female partner of my lover thought that I wanted her gone, that I wanted to take her place and destroy their relationship. So, again, me trying to keep people happy in an effort to make things run smoothly.</div>
<br />
<div>
So I was understandably nervous when I was facing the prospect of play with a married man, even though I knew and liked his wife, and she seemed completely cool with our flirting.</div>
<br />
<div>
On our first "date," I met them at a local dungeon--I think there was a presenter that night, but I only think that because I have a memory of he and I sitting on the hard chairs holding hands. I have no actual memory of anyone standing at the front of the room and talking. The rest of the evening was spent with the three of us on the sofa in the social area watching porn. There was a lot of cuddling, and a lot of giggling, but no play. It was lovely.</div>
<br />
<div>
I spent the night at their house--in the guest room--and the next day we went on a hike with a group from SMART. During the hike, she went ahead and left us to wander through the woods alone, then, in the car on the way back to thier house, she informed us that she would be going out for a few hours and that the house was ours to enjoy.</div>
<br />
<div>
I was a wee bit floored.</div>
<br />
<div>
Here was a woman who was totally secure in her relationship--who understood, and really felt, compersion. She made me feel comfortable and in no way guilty about spending time with her husband. I admit that I had started to get jaded about non-monogamy, and its long-term realistic prospects. That weekend re-affirmed my desire to live a non-monogamous life. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-58514272008739160602013-08-14T00:13:00.001-04:002013-08-14T00:13:06.151-04:00OPEN revelationsMy OPEN group met tonight at my house and several things became clear to me:<br />
<br />
1. I enjoy being the center of attention.<br />
<br />
2. I adore being part of a cuddle puddle, especially when, as was the case tonight, that cuddle puddle involves the man I am in love with and two men that I crush on :-)<br />
<br />
3. The people in my group represent an amazing cross-section of non-monogamy and contain a great deal of knowledge. <br />
<br />
4. Trying to explain/defend non-monogamy to a monogamous person just makes my commitment to a non-monogamous lifestyle stronger. <br />
<br />
Okay, to be fair, none of these things is really a surprise--but they occur me again tonight as I am sitting here and thinking about the meeting :-)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-11110111171019733802013-07-26T07:00:00.000-04:002015-06-21T13:59:12.362-04:00State of the Union<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; letter-spacing: 0px;">When I started this blog, I was in a power-exchange relationship with a man who had another full-time partner. From there I moved onto a triad without power-exchange, and an on-again, off-again relationship with my best friend. I then enjoyed some time as a single poly person—all of which is well documented throughout this site.</span><br />
<div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; min-height: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">When I stopped writing the blog, I was just starting a new relationship after several months of emotional reboot and evaluation of what I want, both in kink and non-monogamy. I didn't make a conscious decision to stop, I just found myself writing less and less as my life got busier and more complicated with major life changes and travels near and far. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; min-height: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">So, now I am ready to write again--and this is where my non-monogamous life stands:</span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; min-height: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">I am now living with my love—the new relationship mentioned above, the man with whom I want to build a life filled with adventure, and sensuality, and Doctor Who. He has a play partner/lover in another state, and I have a former lover who recently became a current lover, also in another state. His situation is somewhat regular, I have no idea what mine will be—my guess is good friends who get together once a year or so to spend time together. We also have a few casual non-sex partners that allow us to explore other types of play. This all sounds much more simplistic than it actually is, of course, but we are now in a very good place. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; min-height: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">I am looking forward to exploring just how we got here. </span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7805250297611054.post-1848528345607063992013-07-23T20:10:00.001-04:002013-07-24T16:37:45.828-04:00I'm back...It has been a year since I posted on this blog, and in that year I have been through a ridiculous number of poly pitfalls and successes that I am finally ready to write about.<br />
<br />
The focus of the year has been on single poly people falling in love. Sounds great, right? It is, it is amazingly awesome and wonderful, but there is so damn much that I didn't know and never counted on! In the next few months I will write about jealousy and compersion, about safe-sex and, more realistically, risk-aware sex, and about building a strong relationship when non-monogamy seems to be kicking your ass.<br />
<br />
I hope it will be informative, and helpful--I know it will be for me, because I don't know yet what I will write, and I don't know to what emotional places it will take me. What I do know is that it has been too long since I took pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), and that Literary Wench has a lot to say!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0