Friday, December 27, 2013

I feel pretty

I was painting my nails a sweet, delicate pink, one night and tweeting that I was going to pamper myself with a face mask and a bubble bath when someone made the comment that I could be so girly sometimes. The comment brought me up short because I realized that I had spent much of my life trying hard to not be perceived as “girly” and that this had obviously changed.

Now—I am quite aware of the fact that a man can enjoy the color pink, face masks, and bubble baths—this is not an exploration of gender preferences, but of the associations I made as a young girl and my reaction to those associations.

Disclaimer over.

The face mask and bubble bath part of this has no real meaning to me, but pink most definitely does. There was a time when I would have rather gone outside in a garbage bag than let someone see me wearing pink or, god forbid, anything with flowers, lace, or little sparklies.

Well, I stand by that last one to this day—I do not BeDazzle™.

I think that a large part of this was a reaction to my older sister. She was the girly-girl who was always in full make-up—oh-so pretty and ready to be seen. I knew from a very early age that I would not be pretty in the same way that she is pretty, so my response was to rebel against that and show that I didn’t care by being cool and edgy instead. In my experience very few people, including myself, are as cool and edgy as they think they are, but I still tried and flirted with punk, and goth, and finally settled into a whole wardrobe of black, grey, and earth tones. A few colors made it in—a bit of blue, the occasional green, but no pink, never pink.

This didn’t begin to change until my late twenties— I blame it on BDSM.

Some people get involved with this lifestyle and dive headlong into black leather and latex, both of which I love—but I found that my inner submissive liked to be girly, and she really liked pink. Allowing her to indulge was a safe place for me to let that side of myself out without embarrassment. Slowly, as I became more comfortable with myself, and my submission, and the many, many aspects of my personality, it started to come out more—the girly-girl went public.

Now, at 40, I have no issue wearing pink. Chances are you will never see me in some frilly little number that looks like it just came from a cotillion—I am still very choosy about my floral patterns, and lace only makes it to the dungeon where it is used to barely cover my sexy bra and panties—but at least now my fashion choices are based on taste, and style (and apparently general level of sluttiness) and not a misguided sense of rebellion or denial.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Sexy Bitch

I have body issues. I don’t have a problem saying that. I have lost a great deal of weight and things just got a bit weird because my body stopped being my own in some ways. I don’t mind talking about this—it is just a fact of my life at the moment—but people tend to take this talk as me being critical of myself, or they think that I do not think that I am attractive.

They are wrong on both counts.

I talk plainly and I do not have a lot of filters, so if this is an issue in my life right now I will talk about it, especially when it is relevant to the conversation. I am not critical of my body—it is what it is right now and it will change and that is that. I get annoyed when it doesn’t go where I want it to go, but I am still quite happy with the fact that the weight is gone.

As far as seeing myself as attractive—I guess it is true, I don’t really—attractive is too mild a word. I am a sexy bitch. I know this. I radiate energy, and joy, and love, and warmth, and confidence, and sex, and I am beautiful. I don't have a problem saying that either :-)

That doesn’t mean that my self-esteem can’t take a blow or two once in awhile, or that sensitivities don’t arise—I am still human. But at the end of the day—always—I really do love myself.