Thank you!

I have been named a sexy blogger! Okay--we all already knew I was a blogger, and my sexiness is so totally obvious, but now the two have come together :-) Well, to be fair--it was my blog that was called sexy, but that is really just a tiny detail. 

If you haven't already overloaded on my sexiness go and check out the rest of the list (and his site as well!).

 

Red Region Inferno

Until death do us part

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and obey; from this day forward until death do us part.

Bullshit—I call shenanigans, at least on the last five words.

We learn these vows, or some version of them, when we are very young. We see them in countless television shows and movies, and little girls act them out hundreds of times with their friends and Barbies, and just accept that this is how their lives are supposed to go.

Again, I say bullshit.

I think these vows are one of the cruelest tricks our society plays on us because they create a misguided idea of perfection that too many people feel compelled to try and attain. There are many things that make a relationship successful—the most important of which is that the relationship is beneficial to all involved, regardless of how long it lasts—but when “until death do us part” does not happen a sense of guilt and failure is often added that mars that success.

Do I think it is possible for two people (or three, or four) to meet, spend the rest of their lives together, and do so happily and without reservation? Of course—but I also think that swearing to do that is completely unrealistic. I am not anti-commitment, but I refuse to make a promise that I may not be able to deliver on. Here is what I can promise:

I can promise to be in love with you only until I am no longer in love with you, but if I have fallen in love I can promise that some part of me will always love you. I can promise to do my best to always remember this love, no matter what happens, and no matter how angry I get, and I can promise to always treat you with respect regardless of whether or not the actual state of being in love still exists. I can promise to communicate, to negotiate, and to compromise, and I can promise to let you know if I feel that this relationship is no longer mutually beneficial, and to be open to the idea that I might be wrong. And I can promise that no matter how in love with you I am, no matter how compatible we are, no matter how good the thought of growing old with you feels, you will never hear me say the words ‘til death do us part, even if it looks like death will indeed be the only thing that parts us.

I have loved many people in my life. I have loved deeply, completely, and honestly—and I know that each and every love that I have had will be a part of me until I die, but my undying love is not something I feel the need to vow to anyone, at any time. To do so would feel deeply, and completely, dishonest—and I don’t do bullshit.

Out of the box

Recently I celebrated my birthday weekend (yes, I have an entire weekend. Okay, I actually have an entire week because I am just that damn special). Anyway…

I had planned the events of this weekend well in advance—the schedule was supposed to look like this:

Party on Friday night in Cleveland, sleep in Cleveland, drive to Toledo for energy meeting on Saturday, go from Toledo to Mayfield Heights for a party, sleep in Mayfield Heights, come home Sunday and have party with college friends.

Fairly simple—busy, but simple—and it would have all gone according to plan if I hadn’t met J and L and decided that plans are overrated.

On Friday night I went to the party as planned, and got lit on fire as planned, and had a great time as planned—but when I was finished playing I realized that the party was not where I wanted to be. It was going to be midnight, and officially my birthday, in just over an hour and I wanted to spend it with my new lovers—but they were more than an hour away in the opposite direction of Toledo and it made no sense whatsoever to go there.

Luckily, making sense is not generally a goal of mine, so I sent them a text:

“Theoretically—if I were to start driving and get to your house in just over an hour, would you be awake?”

The answer was yes, and I was able to celebrate my birthday in their bed.

The next night I was at the other party and I once again found myself where I didn’t really want to be—so once again I made the drive to be in my lovers’ bed by midnight.

This got me thinking about the boxes I wrote about some months ago in my former relationship. My time with my lover was so scheduled that I didn’t feel free to be spontaneous, or to even suggest time outside of our routine. I had a good time, and I enjoyed the energy we shared when we were together, but the box I was in did not allow me to feel as special as I need to feel.

Now I am in a relationship with people who, in their words, “can’t get enough of me,” and who answer when I call at completely inappropriate times and say I want to see you. We are all busy, so when we find time to be together we go for it. I don’t plan on making it a habit to show up at their house in the middle of the night—but it is nice to know that I can.

The shape of poly

When I first started exploring poly, my relationships consisted of my partner, myself, and another female. In my mind that was the only combination--it wasn't that I was closed to others, I just was so busy looking at my life, and my situation, that I didn't really think about other possibilities. To me, this triangle was poly.

At that time my poly community was also pretty small, so there weren't a whole lot of different relationship structures from which I could learn. Every poly relationship I knew was the man with his two women, and in all of those relationships it seemed as if the women were also involved to some degree, though their main relationship was always with the man. It was somewhat like a triangle with two solid sides and one dotted line between the women.

It wasn't until my last relationship that I started really looking at the all of the many, many varieties of poly that are out there. In that relationship it was myself, my partner, and his other girlfriend, but she and I had no real emotional or sexual connection—so now instead of a triangle I had a V. I didn't go into that relationship expecting a triangle (hell, I barely went into it expecting a relationship), but when she and I did meet I had to do some mental adjusting when I realized that for the first time I would not be involved sexually with my partner's other partner. It was a quick adjustment, however, and I was happy being one of the points on his V, though I knew that at some point it would not be enough.

Now I am in an entirely different poly situation and I must do some more adjusting. I find myself once again in a triangle, but in this relationship I am the girlfriend to an engaged couple. It started as a connection with him, but now I am as equally her girlfriend as I am his, so I am not entirely sure what this triangle looks like--a solid line between the two of them, certainly, and maybe lighter solid lines between me and both of them. 

This has really gotten me thinking about what poly is to me, and how I want it to manifest in my life. I realize that what I want is a combination of all of these relationships. I know that a closed triangle is not what I want, and I don't just want to be a point on a V with no other relationships, but beyond that I am open. I don't have a perfect poly family type in mind, but my poly family is growing and I don't want to put limits on that growth. All I know at this point is that I want to share love, and energy, and sex, and life with people who make me happy, regardless of what shape the relationships eventually take.

A bit about crushes

I love crushes. I mean I really, really love them. I usually have a few, or a few dozen, going at any given time. I love them so much that my life feels a bit empty if they are not present because the energy they bring is definitely missed.

I have two types of crushes—there is the casual crush that is usually directed toward the guy I see across the commons at lunch or the girl who makes my tea at Starbucks. They are fun little in-the-moment bits of fantasy. Occasionally these crushes turn into friendships because when I am attracted to someone I usually find a way to speak with them. Sometimes the crush doesn’t survive the friendship, but every once in awhile it becomes something more—it grows up and becomes a full-fledged Crush.

A Crush is friendship with a side of possibility that need never be fulfilled. A Crush isn’t about sex, it is about feeling the energy coming off of someone and having it mesh so well with your own that you just know that this is something different—that this person will be special in your life, even if it is only for a short time.

At the moment I probably have a dozen or so crushes—including a few long standing ones on celebrities (David Tennant, anyone?) I also have several Crushes--one or two of which will probably exist as long as I do.

My C/crushes are not specific to gender or orientation, and they care nothing for age or physical appearance.  There are some basic traits that I could point to that make them more likely to occur, but I have crushed on men twenty years younger than me and men 30 years older. I have crushed on girls who feed me geeky puppy energy and butches who make me quiver. There is just no telling what part of a person is going to speak to me. I like it that way because it means that every new person I meet has Crush potential.

Personal Boundaries

Anyone who has seen me at a party knows that I am usually bouncy, and happy, and goofy--I am there to have a good time, and my inner Pixie is an attention whore, so unless I am engaged in activity, I am friendly, and flirty, and happy to touch and be touched. I do have at least one major personal boundary issue, however--the penis hug. I am instantly squicked when a man I have just met moves in, without permission, and proceeds to hug me with his WHOLE body.

I don't have a problem with most people, and I am not completely opposed to some form of physical contact with men I have just met. If I meet a man for the first time and he offers a quick hug I am good--I like contact, and I like the feel of another human being. What I have a problem with are those times when you can just feel the predatory energy coming off of someone--and rubbing your cock against my leg or hip during our first contact screams predatory.

The quickest way to pull a negative reaction from me is to be the type of man who invades my personal space before you have gotten to know me, or before I have indicated that such closeness is both allowed and welcomed. Most men that I meet at parties are respectful, and mindful of personal space, and do get permission before moving in, but every once in awhile a guy comes along who moves in and gets way too close in a way that is obviously meant to be manly, and intimidating, and make the subservient little woman in me quiver.

I am not entirely sure what the thinking is, but it is not "manly" to force a woman to back up to get away from you, nor is it sexy to have her skin crawl because a strange man is touching her in a way that is far too familiar.

This behavior will not get you laid (or respected, or even liked).

The end of the affair

My lover and I recently ended our year-long relationship. It is tempting when these things happen to look at the relationship as a failure, but I consider this relationship a success because we loved each other deeply--and we will continue to love each other on some level for the rest of our lives. We walked away as friends with a desire to maintain contact, active contact--when you are able to make that connection with someone it is never a failure.

In our year together I experienced things that I had only read about before--things that I didn't think were possible in my life--and I learned-about myself, polyamory, and relationships in general. I learned that...

My head has little say in what my heart wants.

I really enjoy the process of being tied.

I am absolutely polyamorous--I have no desire to have a monogamous relationship.

No matter how honest I think I am there is always a chance for more transparency.

I like ritual.

I can not only tolerate tickling, but with the right person I can actually enjoy it (to a point!)

I enjoy cooking.

I really can give up control in a scene.

Compersion is possible.

The definition of poly family is fluid and individual.

I have an inner Pixie.

Energy orgasms are fabulous.

I can always improve my communication skills.

Barbershop quartets are cool.

Twitter.

No matter how many emotional escape hatches I have in place, pain is pain.

This community can be very, very small.

There are many uses for a pair of pantyhose.

Age really is just a number.

I look fantastic in a leather corset.

Casual isn't really my thing.

I can want someone to be happy and be angry with them at the same time.

Avoiding topics just allows people to use their imaginations.

Ohio has wonderfully supportive kinky people.

The evil stick lives up to its name.

Love itself is never enough.