Friday, November 25, 2011

Out of the box

Recently I celebrated my birthday weekend (yes, I have an entire weekend. Okay, I actually have an entire week because I am just that damn special). Anyway…

I had planned the events of this weekend well in advance—the schedule was supposed to look like this:

Party on Friday night in Cleveland, sleep in Cleveland, drive to Toledo for energy meeting on Saturday, go from Toledo to Mayfield Heights for a party, sleep in Mayfield Heights, come home Sunday and have party with college friends.

Fairly simple—busy, but simple—and it would have all gone according to plan if I hadn’t met J and L and decided that plans are overrated.

On Friday night I went to the party as planned, and got lit on fire as planned, and had a great time as planned—but when I was finished playing I realized that the party was not where I wanted to be. It was going to be midnight, and officially my birthday, in just over an hour and I wanted to spend it with my new lovers—but they were more than an hour away in the opposite direction of Toledo and it made no sense whatsoever to go there.

Luckily, making sense is not generally a goal of mine, so I sent them a text:

“Theoretically—if I were to start driving and get to your house in just over an hour, would you be awake?”

The answer was yes, and I was able to celebrate my birthday in their bed.

The next night I was at the other party and I once again found myself where I didn’t really want to be—so once again I made the drive to be in my lovers’ bed by midnight.

This got me thinking about the boxes I wrote about some months ago in my former relationship. My time with my lover was so scheduled that I didn’t feel free to be spontaneous, or to even suggest time outside of our routine. I had a good time, and I enjoyed the energy we shared when we were together, but the box I was in did not allow me to feel as special as I need to feel.

Now I am in a relationship with people who, in their words, “can’t get enough of me,” and who answer when I call at completely inappropriate times and say I want to see you. We are all busy, so when we find time to be together we go for it. I don’t plan on making it a habit to show up at their house in the middle of the night—but it is nice to know that I can.

Friday, November 11, 2011

The shape of poly

When I first started exploring poly, my relationships consisted of my partner, myself, and another female. In my mind that was the only combination--it wasn't that I was closed to others, I just was so busy looking at my life, and my situation, that I didn't really think about other possibilities. To me, this triangle was poly.

At that time my poly community was also pretty small, so there weren't a whole lot of different relationship structures from which I could learn. Every poly relationship I knew was the man with his two women, and in all of those relationships it seemed as if the women were also involved to some degree, though their main relationship was always with the man. It was somewhat like a triangle with two solid sides and one dotted line between the women.

It wasn't until my last relationship that I started really looking at the all of the many, many varieties of poly that are out there. In that relationship it was myself, my partner, and his other girlfriend, but she and I had no real emotional or sexual connection—so now instead of a triangle I had a V. I didn't go into that relationship expecting a triangle (hell, I barely went into it expecting a relationship), but when she and I did meet I had to do some mental adjusting when I realized that for the first time I would not be involved sexually with my partner's other partner. It was a quick adjustment, however, and I was happy being one of the points on his V, though I knew that at some point it would not be enough.

Now I am in an entirely different poly situation and I must do some more adjusting. I find myself once again in a triangle, but in this relationship I am the girlfriend to an engaged couple. It started as a connection with him, but now I am as equally her girlfriend as I am his, so I am not entirely sure what this triangle looks like--a solid line between the two of them, certainly, and maybe lighter solid lines between me and both of them. 

This has really gotten me thinking about what poly is to me, and how I want it to manifest in my life. I realize that what I want is a combination of all of these relationships. I know that a closed triangle is not what I want, and I don't just want to be a point on a V with no other relationships, but beyond that I am open. I don't have a perfect poly family type in mind, but my poly family is growing and I don't want to put limits on that growth. All I know at this point is that I want to share love, and energy, and sex, and life with people who make me happy, regardless of what shape the relationships eventually take.