Okay then

Last week my blog post was all about my current relationship, how much I love it, and how much I did not want it to change. That night we broke up.

Well played, Universe, well played.

So, this week I am at a bit of a loss in terms of what to write. This is my 3^rd break-up in less than a year (fourth if you consider that I just broke up with a couple). And it is the second time in two months that I am going through this. I am a wee bit tired, and slightly shell-shocked. I figure it is time to take stock a bit.

I am not someone who hopes to forget past relationships or remove those people from my life. If I have loved someone I do not see how it would be possible for them to no longer be a part of my world. I am still friends with the ex from 7 months ago, still very good friends with the ex from 2 months ago, and the relationship with the two most recent exes is working on becoming whatever kind of friendship it is going to become—but for the moment, anyway, I will still be a bridesmaid in their wedding.

This basically means that at the end of all of this I have four people in my life who have shared time, and space, and energy, and love with me. I have four people who have seen behind the curtain and gotten to really know me.  I have four people who have taught me a ridiculously varied number of things, and who will, I am sure, continue to teach me for years to come—and I have four people who are a permanent part of my ever-expanding poly web.

I can live with that.

Jealousy and change

I have been poly for a very long time, and I have always prided myself on my general lack of jealousy--I have had many bouts of envy, but not so much jealousy. Recently, however, I found out that I do indeed have a jealous bone in my body. This does not make me happy.

I found this out when J told me that he is speaking to another woman. It is very early in the relationship--they are old friends who have just started texting/flirting--but when he told me, I had a very powerful that seriously fucked with my head. It took me about 30 minutes to work out my actual issue, but weeks to process it.

What I realized is that my jealousy in this case is rooted in the fear of change. I really love my current relationship. I enjoy what we have, and the time we spend together, and I would like it to continue for the foreseeable future, so when J told me that he was in the early stages of texting/flirting with someone I saw a change that I was not ready for about to happen. I worried that he--well, both he and L--would meet another woman and not want me anymore. I worried that someone younger, less crazy, more available, more whatever would end us, and that even if she didn’t, she would still end what we are currently—things would change.

I don't want to be that person. I know that J and L love me. I know that they aren't looking to replace me. I know that keeping them from exploring other relationships won't make my relationship stronger or more secure.

The funny thing, at least to me, is that I am a woman who thrives on change. My life changes on a regular basis, and I am very good at adapting to changing circumstances--but for some reason I am less flexible in my relationships.

I am polyamorous, and have recently embraced my bisexuality fully, so it is not as if I need, or could even deal with, a static relationship. But I need time to process and enjoy whatever relationship I am in before that relationship starts changing.

My whole life is crazy, so I tend to look at my relationship(s) as my anchor. This is the area when I really need stability--not unchanging stability--but stability. For me that stability is only possible if I have time to process and adapt, and to work out my feelings before change happens. Sadly, instead of just voicing that need when faced with possible change, I went to an angry place that brought unnecessary negativity into my relationship, at least for a time.

This will most likely happen again until I get a full grip on my jealousy/change issues, but at least now I am aware of their existence and have therefore taken away some of their power.