Bondage vs. restraint

I like bondage. Okay, I love bondage—ropes, chain, ace bandages, pantyhose, leather body bag, scarves—whatever. There are times when I just want to be tied-up and teased, tortured, beaten and fucked while a top has his, or her, sadistically wicked way with me, because giving up control and being tied-up by someone who knows well how to please me, and enjoys using me to please them in return, is just plain hot.

But there are other times when I just want--no, I need, to be restrained. It just isn’t the same thing.

Bondage is about control, yes, but it is also about sex, and fun, and the top/bottom connection—restraint is ALL about control and bringing that control to a chaotic mind that is in desperate need of centering.

I am not a person who needs order in all things. I seem to exist in a constant state of chaos (which I suspect I create in order to stave off boredom). The problem with this is that successfully balancing chaos is difficult for even the most focused of minds, so I am pretty much screwed.

Most of the time I do okay—the barbarians may be at the gate but their constant pounding is more background music to the soundtrack of my life than full-blown musical score—but every once in awhile they come crashing through and it takes something beyond me to beat them back down.

This something can take several forms—a hike up the steepest hill I can find, dancing for hours—but nothing compares to the havoc-calming, chaos-controlling release of being completely bound by a person I trust and being able to focus long enough to tame the hamsters that have invaded my brain.

When I am in that space I am protected, but more than that I have permission—to let go, to not take care of anything, to not be anything or anyone but that woman in that moment, to just be.

Non-monogamy reboot

This was how it should be. Yes, I know that no one should say "should" but fuck being politically, or kink, correct. The first time I played with G felt exactly how non-monogamy should.

I had just come out of a relationship with an engaged couple--the course of which never did run smooth. We had some very good times, but I basically spent four months trying to keep her happy so that we could continue to have good times. Eventually, she realized that she could not handle the idea that he also loved me, and so she exercised her veto power on the whole relationship, and that was that.

The relationship before that one involved a lot of miscommunication, and periods where the existing female partner of my lover thought that I wanted her gone, that I wanted to take her place and destroy their relationship. So, again, me trying to keep people happy in an effort to make things run smoothly.

So I was understandably nervous when I was facing the prospect of play with a married man, even though I knew and liked his wife, and she seemed completely cool with our flirting.

On our first "date," I met them at a local dungeon--I think there was a presenter that night, but I only think that because I have a memory of he and I sitting on the hard chairs holding hands. I have no actual memory of anyone standing at the front of the room and talking. The rest of the evening was spent with the three of us on the sofa in the social area watching porn. There was a lot of cuddling, and a lot of giggling, but no play. It was lovely.

I spent the night at their house--in the guest room--and the next day we went on a hike with a group from SMART. During the hike, she went ahead and left  us to wander through the woods alone, then, in the car on the way back to thier house, she informed us that she would be going out for a few hours and that the house was ours to enjoy.

I was a wee bit floored.

Here was a woman who was totally secure in her relationship--who understood, and really felt, compersion. She made me feel comfortable and in no way guilty about spending time with her husband. I admit that I had started to get jaded about non-monogamy, and its long-term realistic prospects. That weekend re-affirmed my desire to live a non-monogamous life.