Home

I have lived many places. I went to 17 different schools in 4 states (not including college), and as an adult have lived in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Arizona, Colorado, New Jersey, California and Germany--and, in a few months I will be moving back to AZ with Danny. Because of this, I have a somewhat complicated relationship with the notion of "Home" in that it has to be both fluid enough and solid enough to satisfy me.

I have found this with Danny.

The fluid part is fairly easy--it is satisfied by his openness to new places and new adventures (though he himself has never lived anywhere but where we are now). He understands that home is not a place, but a state of mind.

The solid part is somewhat trickier, but much more important.

I love having the freedom to explore, to enjoy multiple relationships, to go out into the world and take my chances academically, professionally, and emotionally--but this only really works if I have a soft place to land and a strong home-base. I am capable of creating this base myself, and have done so for most of my life (I am not really good at the whole relying on others thing), but having someone who is part of that base, who strengthens it, who encourages my exploration by letting me know that I have that safe, loving, supportive, empowering space to come home to is pretty amazing. So amazing that I am still getting used to it--and I am really just starting to understand that it is real. That this is home.

Looking back, moving forward

I know, I know--January 1 is just another day on the calendar, but I have always liked the idea of a new year and the possibilities it holds. I don't really do resolutions, I do goals--but before I can decide where I am going, I need to look back at where I have been.

So--2013-in chronological order (I think):

SF switched to a job which required no travel.

We went to Winter Wickedness.

We went to Arizona for the wedding of a dear friend whom I have crushed on for years.

My son got married.

We traveled to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon.

I got into grad school.

I had a month long art show.

SF and I reached a new level in our non-monogamous life.

We went to Bonnaroo.

I traveled to Seattle to spend time with G and his awesome wife.

I restarted this blog.

I got a grad assistantship (free grad school, hooray!).

We went to Kamp Kink.

I was chosen to be one of the emerging artists at the Tremont Arts & Culture festival.

Started a play/social relationship with a woman which has been lovely and has allowed SF to spread his kink wings a bit more.

Traveled to DC for another wedding (and a fabulous house kink party in VA).

Traveled to Hocking Hills for a few days of hiking and sitting by the fire.

Had a piece chosen for a two-month long art show in Columbus.

Received all As in my first semester as a grad student.

Decided to move to Arizona when I finish my degree in the fall (SF accepted a great job offer).

In the midst of all of this I hiked many Metroparks, saw several fabulous Shakespeare productions, read a few good books, went sailing, watched a lot of Doctor Who, experimented with quite a few recipes, spent time with friends, family, and chosen family, and started to learn how to play bridge.

So, not really a busy year :-)

My goals for 2014 are pretty simple. I want to finish grad school with a 4.0. I want to finish my thesis without injuring someone (it is probably a good thing that SF will be in Arizona for most of the process!). I want to sell our house. I want to hike Camelback Mountain. I want to get my art in a gallery in Phoenix.

And I want, really, really want, to build a community in AZ without losing touch with the amazing community we have here in Cleveland.

Non-monogamy reboot

This was how it should be. Yes, I know that no one should say "should" but fuck being politically, or kink, correct. The first time I played with G felt exactly how non-monogamy should.

I had just come out of a relationship with an engaged couple--the course of which never did run smooth. We had some very good times, but I basically spent four months trying to keep her happy so that we could continue to have good times. Eventually, she realized that she could not handle the idea that he also loved me, and so she exercised her veto power on the whole relationship, and that was that.

The relationship before that one involved a lot of miscommunication, and periods where the existing female partner of my lover thought that I wanted her gone, that I wanted to take her place and destroy their relationship. So, again, me trying to keep people happy in an effort to make things run smoothly.

So I was understandably nervous when I was facing the prospect of play with a married man, even though I knew and liked his wife, and she seemed completely cool with our flirting.

On our first "date," I met them at a local dungeon--I think there was a presenter that night, but I only think that because I have a memory of he and I sitting on the hard chairs holding hands. I have no actual memory of anyone standing at the front of the room and talking. The rest of the evening was spent with the three of us on the sofa in the social area watching porn. There was a lot of cuddling, and a lot of giggling, but no play. It was lovely.

I spent the night at their house--in the guest room--and the next day we went on a hike with a group from SMART. During the hike, she went ahead and left  us to wander through the woods alone, then, in the car on the way back to thier house, she informed us that she would be going out for a few hours and that the house was ours to enjoy.

I was a wee bit floored.

Here was a woman who was totally secure in her relationship--who understood, and really felt, compersion. She made me feel comfortable and in no way guilty about spending time with her husband. I admit that I had started to get jaded about non-monogamy, and its long-term realistic prospects. That weekend re-affirmed my desire to live a non-monogamous life.

OPEN revelations

My OPEN group met tonight at my house and several things became clear to me:

1. I enjoy being the center of attention.

2. I adore being part of a cuddle puddle, especially when, as was the case tonight, that cuddle puddle  involves the man I am in love with and two men that I crush on :-)

3. The people in my group represent an amazing cross-section of non-monogamy and contain a great deal of knowledge.

4. Trying to explain/defend non-monogamy to a monogamous person just makes my commitment to a non-monogamous lifestyle stronger.

Okay, to be fair, none of these things is really a surprise--but they occur me again tonight as I am sitting here and thinking about the meeting :-)