I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and
to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for
poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and obey; from this
day forward until death do us part.
Bullshit—I call shenanigans, at least on the last five words.
We
learn these vows, or some version of them, when we are very young. We
see them in countless television shows and movies, and little girls act
them out hundreds of times with their friends and Barbies, and just
accept that this is how their lives are supposed to go.
Again, I say bullshit.
I
think these vows are one of the cruelest tricks our society plays on us
because they create a misguided idea of perfection that too many people
feel compelled to try and attain. There are many things that make a
relationship successful—the most important of which is that the
relationship is beneficial to all involved, regardless of how long it
lasts—but when “until death do us part” does not happen a sense of guilt
and failure is often added that mars that success.
Do
I think it is possible for two people (or three, or four) to meet,
spend the rest of their lives together, and do so happily and without
reservation? Of course—but I also think that swearing to do that is
completely unrealistic. I am not anti-commitment, but I refuse to make a
promise that I may not be able to deliver on. Here is what I can
promise:
I
can promise to be in love with you only until I am no longer in love
with you, but if I have fallen in love I can promise that some part of
me will always love you. I can promise to do my best to always remember
this love, no matter what happens, and no matter how angry I get, and I
can promise to always treat you with respect regardless of whether or
not the actual state of being in love still exists. I can promise to
communicate, to negotiate, and to compromise, and I can promise to let
you know if I feel that this relationship is no longer mutually
beneficial, and to be open to the idea that I might be wrong. And I can
promise that no matter how in love with you I am, no matter how
compatible we are, no matter how good the thought of growing old with
you feels, you will never hear me say the words ‘til death do us part,
even if it looks like death will indeed be the only thing that parts us.
I
have loved many people in my life. I have loved deeply, completely, and
honestly—and I know that each and every love that I have had will be a
part of me until I die, but my undying love is not something I feel the
need to vow to anyone, at any time. To do so would feel deeply, and
completely, dishonest—and I don’t do bullshit.
