On hunting unicorns

In poly circles, a unicorn is generally known as a bisexual female who wants to be in a non-monogamous relationship with both members of the couple and not really disrupt their lives all that much. They are called unicorns because it seems everyone wants to find one, but they are rarely, if ever, seen. I have been a potential unicorn, and I have been part of a couple in search of a unicorn, and here is what I have learned—the term is kind of bullshit.

Many people spend their lives in search of the “one,” (a creature who, to me, is equally as mythical because he or she simply does not exist), and most of the time, they fail. There is no way that failure is not magnified when the “one” you want is to become part of a triad.

Basically, what you are hoping to find is a woman who attracts you, who is attracted to both you and your partner, who is open to polyamory (and, often, to kink), whose life fits in with yours, whose personality and energy meshes well with yours and your partners’, who is willing to abide by all existing relationship rules and not seek other relationships of her own, and who is available to complete your triad at that particular time. That is an awful lot for one person to be, so yes, that “perfect” person is, not surprisingly, rare.

Now—I get that someone may write that they found their unicorn and it is wonderful—to that I say, hooray! Feel free to share your story :-) But, if that were the norm, the term would not exist and neither would this writing, so unless we want to rip a hole in the space/time continuum, it is probably safest to move on.

It is difficult to make two people work out long term because of the personalities and emotions and life goals and, and, and… That gets exponentially harder when you try it with three, or four, or a googol people. And every person you want to add with very specific attributes becomes more rare, of course, because the search parameters have been narrowed and the pool of available candidates has gotten smaller.

I have known quite a few couples over the years who are on the hunt for a unicorn, and every one of them failed because when you are chasing a myth, reality will just never do. The woman you seek is not a unicorn—she is not mythical, and she is not magical—she is human, and, chances are, she is not perfect.

The problem with ascribing any kind of mythical status to her is that you take away her status as a mere mortal. When you are so busy looking for the unicorn, you may easily miss opportunities and relationships with real potential, and when you are trying so hard to turn someone into a unicorn, you may interfere with her ability to be her most authentic self.