Friday, May 4, 2012

Anger and letting go

I don’t process negativity well, and I have some pretty major control issues, so anger is close to impossible for me to let in because it is both extreme negativity and a loss of control. Thankfully, this isn’t generally a problem because I have few reasons for genuine anger in my life. But, well, sometimes life gets messy--especially when relationships are ending.

Any break-up comes with negativity—with J and L I had anger to work through, but I did not allow myself to immediately feel that anger, or any negativity, really, beyond sadness. My focus in the days and weeks after was on maintaining the relationships on a friendship level and making sure that the other two people involved were in a good place. To do this I had to put much of my own shit aside.

Unfortunately, what happens when I try and bury my own feelings is that eventually they come out in a way that allows for little control, so I risk burning the bridges that I was so carefully protecting.

A few weeks ago I was dealing with some fairly heavy stuff in my life—my planned two months in Siberia got postponed until September (after I had already quit my job and dropped my classes), and I once again had a bit of a breast scare, so I spent a week being poked, and prodded, and photographed. All of this acted as a catalyst for the anger toward L that I had been keeping in check for the last few weeks.

I could have eventually worked through it on my own, and I did try to avoid her because I knew it was there and what it could do, but she pushed and I lost it—I just sort of blew up and let it all come out.
I don’t like that I went there. I don’t like that I created a situation for which I felt I had to apologize. I don’t like that there will always now be this dark spot on the relationship. But, it was just so damn cathartic. This had to happen—I recognize that. I needed to let go of this relationship, and I couldn’t do that as long as this anger was a part of me.

Now, it is time to move on.

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