Friday, May 25, 2012

Settling down

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I have a varied, and often complicated, romantic history. I have been fielding a lot of questions recently—due largely to the OK Cupid experiment—about what exactly I am looking for now—here is that answer:

I don’t know.

Okay, that is far too simplistic, but it is true--mostly. Recently I have started to realize that maybe, just maybe, I am ready to settle down a bit. But what in the hell does that mean?

It means I want a primary relationship. I want a man, or possibly a woman, who is single and who understands ethical non-monogamy.

I want someone who can accept that I will most likely already be in relationships of various types when we get together. One of my sexual/play relationships just ended—or at least got put on hold when he moved across the country—so currently I have one occasional play/sexual partner, and one potential sexual partner—I have no idea how those relationships will evolve, or what new relationships I may get involved in. What I do know is that I will probably not be open to the idea of dropping all current relationships for someone, though I would certainly put things on hold if it looked like there was some serious potential that needed proper concentration and attention.

I want someone who understands that I do not sit still well, and that occasionally I go to work and get asked questions like “how would you like to spend two months in Siberia?” The answer, by the way, to questions like that will always be yes.

I want someone who is open to kink—if not participating in it, then at least realizing that I will be participating with others.

I want someone who is interested in building something amazing, but who realizes that we will not complete each other.

I want someone to wake up next to, to watch, and mock, television with, to cook for, to do all of those sappy little relationship things with (yes, I am a romantic at heart—shhhhh).

The thing is, though, that I do not NEED any of that—and I like that. I have never had a problem being alone, and I do not need a relationship to validate my life. When, and if, I find the person with whom I want to settle down, it will be bullshit free.

That is what I want.


N. said...

This is so very hard to find. I wish you good luck. So many more of us find that by first trying the conventional monogamy thing and failing at it. I'll be inspired by your success.


Unknown said...

I think knowing who you are is particularly important before making the decision to find a primary partner (or letting a partner find you). I, too, am prone to burying myself in a work project for weeks at a time and might be unavailable--this is something I've had to admit to myself before going back on the dating scene.

It's great to find someone who understands that my work comes first, but it's still problematic. Good luck to you.